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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. '14..14...14...14....'.
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. '14..14...14...14....'.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Indians had to leave from the St. Francis area so he could build a church.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Indian community. So the Pope made a deal.
He would have a debate with a member of the Indian community. If the Indian won, the Indians could stay.
If the Pope won, the Indians would leave. The Indians realized that they had no choice.
So they picked a wise, yet humble man named Standing Bear to represent them. Standing Bear asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk they would use sign language. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Standing Bear and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers, Standing Bear looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.Standing Bear pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Standing Bear pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Indians can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to all religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by waving his finger too and pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Indian community had crowded around Standing Bear . "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Standing Bear, "First he said to me that the Indians had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole community would be cleared of Indians. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.
"Hell, I don't know," said Standing Bear. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Indian community. So the Pope made a deal.
He would have a debate with a member of the Indian community. If the Indian won, the Indians could stay.
If the Pope won, the Indians would leave. The Indians realized that they had no choice.
So they picked a wise, yet humble man named Standing Bear to represent them. Standing Bear asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk they would use sign language. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Standing Bear and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers, Standing Bear looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.Standing Bear pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Standing Bear pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Indians can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to all religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by waving his finger too and pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Indian community had crowded around Standing Bear . "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Standing Bear, "First he said to me that the Indians had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole community would be cleared of Indians. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.
"Hell, I don't know," said Standing Bear. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor guy starts crying.
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.'
'When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
'So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!'
The poor guy starts crying.
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.'
'When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
'So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!'
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was
>driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car
>with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks
>"I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is
>on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90
>miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the
>guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over
>to the curb.
>
>The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches
>the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had
>a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a
>good excuse and I'll let you go."
>
>The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago,
>my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your
>cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that
>officer and you were trying to give her back!
>driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car
>with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks
>"I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is
>on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90
>miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the
>guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over
>to the curb.
>
>The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches
>the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had
>a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a
>good excuse and I'll let you go."
>
>The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago,
>my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your
>cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that
>officer and you were trying to give her back!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents...
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents...
An Arkansas couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision --why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out
of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they
didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they
didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
